Dumped

My "comedy" story for my Writing: Fiction class. The 4 of us on for this week's assignment had to write a funny story despite its sad subject. The other stories in the class were NOT funny... at least this earned me an "A." Enjoy!


Humpty Dumpty looked up at the fizzling neon sign above the door: The Mother Goosed. He sighed and entered. Humpty sat at the bar and waved over The Butcher, of men-in-a-tub renown. “Hey, what’s the Tuesday night special?” he asked the burly barkeep.

“Two dollar Cow Jumped Over the Blue Moon til ten.”

“I’ll take one and keep ‘em coming.”

“You got it, Egg Man,” the Butcher replied, filling up a tall glass with the cheap brew. “Just remember I’ll be cutting you off before I have to roll you out of here.”

Humpty snorted and took a long draught, but choked and nearly sprayed the bar down as a hand clapped him hard on the back. He whirled, tears in his eyes and beer leaking out his nose, only to see his best friend, Jack, standing there grinning at him.

“Hey! Never see you around here during the week. What’s the word, Humpster?” Jack sat next to his friend and waved the Butcher down for two more beers.

Humpty wiped his eyes and blew his nose loudly. “Humpster? I wish. More like Dumpster now.”

Jack let out a low whistle. “What? You mean Bo-Peep dumped you?”

“In a word, yes. Peter Piper whisked her away, so she dropped me like a fried egg. Pushed me off the wall. Kicked me to the curb.” Humpty couldn’t go on.

“Wait, she’s going out with –“ Jack looked surprised, but was interrupted as all the King’s horses and all the King’s men came filing in. That was the last thing Humpty needed, he knew. They were always giving the egg trouble for having to get glued back together every fortnight or so.

One of the horses noticed Humpty’s countenance and laughed. “Hey Humpty, why the long face? Hahaha!”

One of the men poked Jack in the ribs. “Jump over any candlesticks lately? Hope you didn’t burn anything! Hahaha!”

Humpty was in no mood to joke back, but Jack stood up and gave the man a challenging push. “I’ll have you know that Miss Muffet is quite fond of my tuffet and very appreciative of my nimbleness.”

The man raised his hands in mock defeat. “Whatever, tough guy, at least she didn’t dump you for a pickled pepper,” he said, turning his aggression back to the sad mess of an egg. Humpty broke out in fresh tears at that admission, and the Butcher stomped over to break up the trouble.

“All right, move along now, or you’ll have to put yourselves back together after I’m through with you!” The horses and men grumbled, but took the Butcher at his word.

The Butcher leaned over the bar and patted Humpty on the shoulder. “Eh, don’t worry. Happens to the best of us, ya know?” While comforting Humpty Dumpty, though, he noticed that Jack had sat back down and was starting to snuffle as well. “Oh no. Not you, too?”

Jack nodded. “I just said that stuff to get them to leave us alone. Truth is, Muffet did leave me for a pickled pepper!” The Butcher rolled his eyes and served the two recently-dumped men another round.

“I always knew I hated that Peter Piper. We both got trumped by his peppers,” Humpty said between sniffles. The two friends commiserated until the Butcher cut them off and Jack had to roll Humpty Dumpty home.