I'm pretty sure I hit a personal low this morning. I wish I could quit the Army. I really do. It is the most negative thing in my life right now and I really wish I didn't have 2 years left of it. We have a PT test this weekend and I have been doing half assed work outs to "get ready" for it. Last week I realized I had less than 2 weeks left to "get ready" for it, and "decided" to step up my game. (insert laugh track). In truth, I have done nothing of the sort. I ran on the treadmill this morning (temps are still below freezing here) and I QUIT. I literally quit at about a mile and a half. I stopped the machine, stepped off, and that was it. I don't know how to fix my brain, I don't know how to make myself stop doubting myself. I can't even say exactly WHY I did what I did. All I know is that this is BAD, and it needs to STOP.
I've also hit a personal high this morning, but also not good: I have gained a pound a day over the last 3 days, putting my weight at an all time high (excluding pregnancy). I won't mention what it actually is, I'm a lady after all. I admit that I have been kinda pigging out, but I've pigged out before and have never seen this type of weighty reaction to it. I am dismayed and disappointed. I am hoping that with the [hopeful] onset of warmer weather soon that I'll be able to push myself easier to be more active (running outside is so much more satisfying than on a treadmill in the basement) more regularly (I really do feel good, physically, after I work out, it's just the starting thing I have so much trouble with, and now apparently the middle part of it).
I will also, in the next week or so, find a doctor and get myself a check up, because my PCOS may have some responsibility in the moodiness and weight gain. Hormones can be a real bitch, especially if they are not 'balanced.' In which case I may be able to come up with a more effective way in dealing with my issues than just wanting to sleep and without turning to semi-anorexic behavior. I'm no good at "dieting." In lieu of a diet, I generally just eat less. A LOT less. No motivation, no will power. Things need to change.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Birthday Birthday Cake!
So, tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be turning 29. I feel like I shouldn't feel as young as I do, but at the same time I also feel very old. We had my birthday dinner last night, a humongous pot roast (omg it was soooo good), boiled potatoes, carrots, a pitcher of gravy, and Aldi's Chocolate Eclairs for dessert. MMmmm.
I love the day my birthday is on - my parents' wedding anniversary. I will never lose track of how long they've been married - this year will mark 31 years; Yay Mommy and Daddy!
I'm not sure how much more there is to blog about these days. My life is dull and boring. I don't go out because I have no friends here. I have no friends because I have no idea where to go to meet people. I don't feel like I fit in with other parents that are older than me (and married), but I also don't feel like I fit in with the younger/still single crowd either. It's a strange interim period in my life that's been lasting for the past 7 years or so.
I try to crochet a little bit every day, and I try to read a little bit every day. Two weekends ago I read The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. LeGuin, and it felt so good to read a novel over a weekend, like "yeah I still got it," like riding a bike. It had been so long since I read anything so feverishly, it felt really good to get lost in the words, to not have to think about real life for a while because I'm bored and boring and uninterested and uninteresting, tired and unhappy. I'm in a slump and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I'm hoping the warmer weather that is on its way (soon, I hope) will make me feel like being more active and busy with things. What things? Well, that's the question of the year, isn't it? I just don't know.
I love the day my birthday is on - my parents' wedding anniversary. I will never lose track of how long they've been married - this year will mark 31 years; Yay Mommy and Daddy!
I'm not sure how much more there is to blog about these days. My life is dull and boring. I don't go out because I have no friends here. I have no friends because I have no idea where to go to meet people. I don't feel like I fit in with other parents that are older than me (and married), but I also don't feel like I fit in with the younger/still single crowd either. It's a strange interim period in my life that's been lasting for the past 7 years or so.
I try to crochet a little bit every day, and I try to read a little bit every day. Two weekends ago I read The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. LeGuin, and it felt so good to read a novel over a weekend, like "yeah I still got it," like riding a bike. It had been so long since I read anything so feverishly, it felt really good to get lost in the words, to not have to think about real life for a while because I'm bored and boring and uninterested and uninteresting, tired and unhappy. I'm in a slump and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I'm hoping the warmer weather that is on its way (soon, I hope) will make me feel like being more active and busy with things. What things? Well, that's the question of the year, isn't it? I just don't know.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Strength
What does it mean to be "strong?" When someone says, "you are such a strong person," what does that really entail? I'm obviously not speaking about literal strength, to be able to bench press 400 lbs or whatever, but emotional, mental, psychological strength. Are they different? Does it all mean the same thing?
A number of people that I know have been faced with different types of hardship. Some temporary, some permanent. All difficult to deal with. And all for different reasons. But what is it about a person that makes them strong or not? To see in them the "strength" to push through, stand up, and get over whatever hurdle faces them. Or not. Do they disintegrate at the first sign of trouble? Crawl into a shell and not come out until the worst has passed? Continue to believe that these 'bad' things will not stop happening? Are these people then not strong?
I don't know. It may be subjective. It may depend on your perception of the person, your knowledge of that person, and a hundred other things. At my most vulnerable moments is when people told me they admired my strength. What did they mean? DID they mean it? Or was it something better to say than "Oh yeah that sucks. Sucks to be you!" Is it a measure of encouragement during a down time, or does it really mean something more?
I don't know. As I look back, I do find it amazing how I was able to get through those moments mostly unscathed, but still carry their lasting marks on me. Was I strong? Did it make me stronger? Will I be able to be that strong again?
A number of people that I know have been faced with different types of hardship. Some temporary, some permanent. All difficult to deal with. And all for different reasons. But what is it about a person that makes them strong or not? To see in them the "strength" to push through, stand up, and get over whatever hurdle faces them. Or not. Do they disintegrate at the first sign of trouble? Crawl into a shell and not come out until the worst has passed? Continue to believe that these 'bad' things will not stop happening? Are these people then not strong?
I don't know. It may be subjective. It may depend on your perception of the person, your knowledge of that person, and a hundred other things. At my most vulnerable moments is when people told me they admired my strength. What did they mean? DID they mean it? Or was it something better to say than "Oh yeah that sucks. Sucks to be you!" Is it a measure of encouragement during a down time, or does it really mean something more?
I don't know. As I look back, I do find it amazing how I was able to get through those moments mostly unscathed, but still carry their lasting marks on me. Was I strong? Did it make me stronger? Will I be able to be that strong again?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
A quick word about 6 year olds
Ok, granted my daughter isn't quite 6 years old yet, but this is relevant. I was at Queens College last Saturday to watch a performance that my very awesome friend Veronica was in (as was her boyfriend). Before the show started I was listening in on the conversation of the two ladies sitting behind me. What else was I going to do? Put my fingers in my ears?
Well let me tell you that I had to work hard not to turn around and butt in. One lady was talking about how she went to the Ballet to see Swan Lake or whatever, and says that behind her were sitting a group of moms with their 6-yr old girls. Which I, when I heard that, thought was fantastic! To be able to bring a young, impressionable girl to something as culturally high-end and spectacular as the NY Ballet. But the lady goes on to complain that one girl kept asking questions and, this is not the end, that the mother kept answering the questions! O M G. A six year old had questions? And the mother was terrible enough to answer them? The lady then said something along the lines of, "if you take a kid to the ballet you have to make them shut up!" Shut up??
Don't get me wrong. The lady did not mention the content of the questions, nor the frequency of the questions; if they were about what was for dinner that night, or if she could stay home from school or whatever, then that's not appropriate, but say for instance, in the case of MY daughter, I KNOW she'd have been asking questions about the ballet. In which case I would have gladly answered as quietly as I could.
For all I know, the kid could have asked 2 questions the entire performance and the lady was just exaggerating. On the other hand, the kid could have really been non-stop about non-ballet themed issues. I don't know. But what I DO know is that 6 year olds are naturally inquisitive. They are young, impressionable (yes I know I used that word already), and eager to learn. And not just learn in general, but learn from you. Each parent has an opportunity to either answer their child's questions, or shut her up and let her simmer. Shut her up one too many times and the next time she has a question, she won't ask it. I believe that the hushing option will eventually kill my child's love of learning. I do my best to give her honest answers to everything she asks me to the best of my ability and in a simple way she can understand.
Ok so I guess that wasn't really that quick, but I had to get that out before I didn't feel like writing about it anymore. I'm glad I did. I feel better now.
Well let me tell you that I had to work hard not to turn around and butt in. One lady was talking about how she went to the Ballet to see Swan Lake or whatever, and says that behind her were sitting a group of moms with their 6-yr old girls. Which I, when I heard that, thought was fantastic! To be able to bring a young, impressionable girl to something as culturally high-end and spectacular as the NY Ballet. But the lady goes on to complain that one girl kept asking questions and, this is not the end, that the mother kept answering the questions! O M G. A six year old had questions? And the mother was terrible enough to answer them? The lady then said something along the lines of, "if you take a kid to the ballet you have to make them shut up!" Shut up??
Don't get me wrong. The lady did not mention the content of the questions, nor the frequency of the questions; if they were about what was for dinner that night, or if she could stay home from school or whatever, then that's not appropriate, but say for instance, in the case of MY daughter, I KNOW she'd have been asking questions about the ballet. In which case I would have gladly answered as quietly as I could.
For all I know, the kid could have asked 2 questions the entire performance and the lady was just exaggerating. On the other hand, the kid could have really been non-stop about non-ballet themed issues. I don't know. But what I DO know is that 6 year olds are naturally inquisitive. They are young, impressionable (yes I know I used that word already), and eager to learn. And not just learn in general, but learn from you. Each parent has an opportunity to either answer their child's questions, or shut her up and let her simmer. Shut her up one too many times and the next time she has a question, she won't ask it. I believe that the hushing option will eventually kill my child's love of learning. I do my best to give her honest answers to everything she asks me to the best of my ability and in a simple way she can understand.
Ok so I guess that wasn't really that quick, but I had to get that out before I didn't feel like writing about it anymore. I'm glad I did. I feel better now.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Has it been 2 weeks already??
I feel like I just blogged the other day, and when I looked at the date of the last one, it says February 16th. Really!?? Well, yeah, I guess yes really.
I had a long and tiring weekend down in the tri-state area. I left Thursday afternoon around 1:30pm (just as it was starting to snow), stopped in Maywood to gas up, then kept going and got to my aunt and uncle's house out on Long Island around 8:45pm. I will say this. After not having to drive around for two months, and even if I did have to drive it was a very short distance on empty local roads, it was a harrowing experience driving the highways from NJ Rt 17, Rt 80, I-95, Cross and Long Island Expressways. O.M.G. I was stiff when I finally got there just from being so tense!
I had a great visit and will definitely be stopping in again next time I have drill! Made it to Ft. Totten early before I had to report at 12 noon on Friday, did three hours of copying and filing, then retired to my hotel room, courtesy of the US Army, and just chilled. I got 3 blocks done of the blanket I'm STILL working on. Other than that, I seriously just sat around ALL night til I went to sleep. It felt incredibly good to be that lazy.
Saturday was a normal drill day, no news there, we got out late, almost 5pm, I went back to the hotel, showered, then followed Veronica to Queens College where I saw her (and her boyfriend!) perform in Postcards from Morocco. It was a bit avant garde for me, but I enjoyed it! By then it was late so I went back to the hotel (thank God for GPS otherwise I probably would have been lost in Queens, crying on a side street somewhere) and went to sleep after playing some Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky.
Sunday was another 'normal' drill day. I did get to leave early on account of having a 6+ hr drive home (even though I wasn't driving home til Monday. Shhhh). But I only missed PT and the usual 40 minute closing formation, so it's not like I missed out on anything important. After I left Totten I went to pick up Caelyn from her dad's, and my goodness I was so happy to have her back! We stopped by the old apartment where I talked to the super for a good while, got to hug the boys next door, and Caelyn got to play outside with her friends for almost an hour before we headed over to Uncle Bill's. She really enjoyed that, and she was a trooper when we had to leave: no huge tantrums about "five more minutes" or anything like that; I was very proud of her!
My sister and her boyfriend came up to see us at Uncle Bill's, we got to give them their Christmas presents that Caelyn had picked out at the school holiday store! AND my sister made cupcakes from the Magnolia Bakery cook book, and holy sugar they were a-mazing. The icing was a little too sweet for me, but the overall package was so so so tasty and beautiful with the pink icing and fancy shiny sprinkles and everything!
We went to sleep late and woke up early and left around 9am. We stopped to get bagels to bring home because we cannot get good bagels here. Fresh grocery store bagels are NOT the same as getting a bagel from a bagel shop in NJ or NYC. They taste so good! Anyway, we actually left at 9:15 after having stopped for the bagels and at the gas station. It was nasty rainy until we left NJ, then it was really foggy until we were north of Albany, then just drizzly til we hit the High Peaks rest area, where we saw the first flakes of snow. The roads weren't bad so I decided to chance going through the High Peaks instead of up through Plattsburgh. I love driving through the mountains and I'm more familiar with the roads, which were thankfully clear. Nothing but a little wet.
We got home safe and sound around 4:15pm and that was the end of our trip. Hooray! Home sweet home.
I had a long and tiring weekend down in the tri-state area. I left Thursday afternoon around 1:30pm (just as it was starting to snow), stopped in Maywood to gas up, then kept going and got to my aunt and uncle's house out on Long Island around 8:45pm. I will say this. After not having to drive around for two months, and even if I did have to drive it was a very short distance on empty local roads, it was a harrowing experience driving the highways from NJ Rt 17, Rt 80, I-95, Cross and Long Island Expressways. O.M.G. I was stiff when I finally got there just from being so tense!
I had a great visit and will definitely be stopping in again next time I have drill! Made it to Ft. Totten early before I had to report at 12 noon on Friday, did three hours of copying and filing, then retired to my hotel room, courtesy of the US Army, and just chilled. I got 3 blocks done of the blanket I'm STILL working on. Other than that, I seriously just sat around ALL night til I went to sleep. It felt incredibly good to be that lazy.
Saturday was a normal drill day, no news there, we got out late, almost 5pm, I went back to the hotel, showered, then followed Veronica to Queens College where I saw her (and her boyfriend!) perform in Postcards from Morocco. It was a bit avant garde for me, but I enjoyed it! By then it was late so I went back to the hotel (thank God for GPS otherwise I probably would have been lost in Queens, crying on a side street somewhere) and went to sleep after playing some Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky.
Sunday was another 'normal' drill day. I did get to leave early on account of having a 6+ hr drive home (even though I wasn't driving home til Monday. Shhhh). But I only missed PT and the usual 40 minute closing formation, so it's not like I missed out on anything important. After I left Totten I went to pick up Caelyn from her dad's, and my goodness I was so happy to have her back! We stopped by the old apartment where I talked to the super for a good while, got to hug the boys next door, and Caelyn got to play outside with her friends for almost an hour before we headed over to Uncle Bill's. She really enjoyed that, and she was a trooper when we had to leave: no huge tantrums about "five more minutes" or anything like that; I was very proud of her!
My sister and her boyfriend came up to see us at Uncle Bill's, we got to give them their Christmas presents that Caelyn had picked out at the school holiday store! AND my sister made cupcakes from the Magnolia Bakery cook book, and holy sugar they were a-mazing. The icing was a little too sweet for me, but the overall package was so so so tasty and beautiful with the pink icing and fancy shiny sprinkles and everything!
We went to sleep late and woke up early and left around 9am. We stopped to get bagels to bring home because we cannot get good bagels here. Fresh grocery store bagels are NOT the same as getting a bagel from a bagel shop in NJ or NYC. They taste so good! Anyway, we actually left at 9:15 after having stopped for the bagels and at the gas station. It was nasty rainy until we left NJ, then it was really foggy until we were north of Albany, then just drizzly til we hit the High Peaks rest area, where we saw the first flakes of snow. The roads weren't bad so I decided to chance going through the High Peaks instead of up through Plattsburgh. I love driving through the mountains and I'm more familiar with the roads, which were thankfully clear. Nothing but a little wet.
We got home safe and sound around 4:15pm and that was the end of our trip. Hooray! Home sweet home.
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