High and Low

I'm pretty sure I hit a personal low this morning. I wish I could quit the Army. I really do. It is the most negative thing in my life right now and I really wish I didn't have 2 years left of it. We have a PT test this weekend and I have been doing half assed work outs to "get ready" for it. Last week I realized I had less than 2 weeks left to "get ready" for it, and "decided" to step up my game. (insert laugh track). In truth, I have done nothing of the sort. I ran on the treadmill this morning (temps are still below freezing here) and I QUIT. I literally quit at about a mile and a half. I stopped the machine, stepped off, and that was it. I don't know how to fix my brain, I don't know how to make myself stop doubting myself. I can't even say exactly WHY I did what I did. All I know is that this is BAD, and it needs to STOP.

I've also hit a personal high this morning, but also not good: I have gained a pound a day over the last 3 days, putting my weight at an all time high (excluding pregnancy). I won't mention what it actually is, I'm a lady after all. I admit that I have been kinda pigging out, but I've pigged out before and have never seen this type of weighty reaction to it. I am dismayed and disappointed. I am hoping that with the [hopeful] onset of warmer weather soon that I'll be able to push myself easier to be more active (running outside is so much more satisfying than on a treadmill in the basement) more regularly (I really do feel good, physically, after I work out, it's just the starting thing I have so much trouble with, and now apparently the middle part of it).

I will also, in the next week or so, find a doctor and get myself a check up, because my PCOS may have some responsibility in the moodiness and weight gain. Hormones can be a real bitch, especially if they are not 'balanced.' In which case I may be able to come up with a more effective way in dealing with my issues than just wanting to sleep and without turning to semi-anorexic behavior. I'm no good at "dieting." In lieu of a diet, I generally just eat less. A LOT less. No motivation, no will power. Things need to change.