Facing the Day

It's been rainy and dreary the past few days. I set my alarm for 6:20am, not to get up, but to allow time to snuggle with Caelyn. She is getting accustomed to waking up at this time as well so things are going a little more smoothly in the morning. So, I wake up enough to poke her awake enough to climb under the covers next to me. It really is quite cozy, warm and sleepy, next to my baby girl, who's not such a baby anymore. It's hard to really wake up and get out of bed when the real alarm goes off at 6:55 (allowing for at least 2 five-minute snoozes), especially when it's still dark from it being so cloudy.

Anyway, here is a poem I wrote during class (No, not a poetry class. I was bored, and uh, wrote some words down).

Facing the Day

Warm
hidden
covers over my head
eyes shut tight

The sun is peeking up over the horizon
but I don't want to see it.

secret
alone
burrowing deeper
grasping for dreams

but as my mind awakens
I know I must
face the day.

Lethargy

This is the main reason I haven't blogged in a while. I've been feeling really lethargic. Not just physically, but more mentally than anything. I'm having a hard time remembering things, staying focused, and just plain thinking straight. I feel like my brain is burnt out. I've been thinking about so many things that I think I finally just stopped thinking altogether.

I have to do well this semester to graduate. I've been preoccupied with Caelyn going to school as well. It's double homework for me with all the notices and fund raisers she's brought home so far just in the first 2 weeks. I am infinitely glad that she gets free school lunches because if she didn't I would probably forget to feed her. Work has been slow. I am so distracted by anything and everything in the house right now. Too many people and too much mess and I'm the only one home most days to clean up. Which I shouldn't really be spending all my time on since I'm supposed to be working.

Then there's the moving thing. Trying to pack boxes here and boxes there, deciding what I don't really need for the next 3 months and can send up to the house. And all that takes time, too. I guess all the problems stem from there being a deficient amount of time to work with. I need the days to be at least 3 hours longer each. Then maybe I'll be able to feel productive.

I'm feeling pretty unproductive right now writing this blog because there are at least three other things I should be doing instead. Getting Caelyn ready for bed (I've told her to brush her teeth 5 times already, but of course I need to be right on top of her to do anything these days. At least she's in her pajamas), the dishes need to get washed, even though I think my mom is going to do them, she's on the phone so now the dishes are sitting getting all crusty. The carpet hasn't been vacuumed in at least 4 days, and I meant to do it today but never got around to it. Mostly because Caelyn had her friend over for most of the day, and the other reason was because I was futzing around online. And then I was cooking dinner.

I've gotten to the point where I need to put alerts in my phone to remind myself to do really stupid easy things so I won't forget. And I'm not talking about like when something is on your mind and you're still thinking about it and just procrastinate. I'm talking about like, at around 8:30am I'll tell myself "Ok I have to call her pediatrician after 10 because that's when they open," and I won't remember that I had to make the phone call until we're going to bed and the office is closed and everything. And then I say "I have to remember tomorrow to call..." It's a vicious cycle of reminding and honestly forgetting. My mom will say "can you open the window to get a breeze in here?" and I will literally say, "Ok, sure thing," and then NOT do it because I forgot that quickly. I think I have to start setting an alarm to eat, because I've lost 4 pounds (not that I'm complaining about the weight loss), but I'm pretty sure it's because I've become accidentally anorexic. I just forget to eat.

I'm really not sure how to fix this problem. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.  As for now, I am going to try my best to start drinking a LOT more water and to start running every day. I've fallen into a really bad slump and I need to get out of it. I think hydrating (I really don't drink anything during the day: cup of coffee in the morning, maybe a glass of juice at dinner. Usually nothing in between. I know, it's so bad) and getting more active may help with my brain functions. If I'm still as addled in two weeks as I am right now, well, then I have no idea what I'll do. But I haven't gotten there yet, so for now I have to go and get ready for bed and make sure my sleep-deprived daughter is sleeping as well.

School

Well, my last semester has started. I had a couple of issues with how to pay for it, but thankfully things have worked out for the better. I won't say best, because the best got lost a long time ago, but better is better than working out for the worst, wouldn't you agree? I thought I was getting grant money, then I wasn't. Then I was again, then not as much as I had hoped I would get. In the end I took out a dreaded student loan (I REALLY did not want to resort to that, but it's not a lot) to cover the rest of what I owe for tuition, and the rest will be enough to finally pay off my car with some left over (I say finally like I've been at it forever, which isn't true. It hasn't even been a full 2 years on a 6-yr loan. Go me!). At any rate, I will feel a whole lot better not having to worry about a car note (with an astronomical interest rate because my credit is less-than-shiny), and to be able to work on paying back a student loan at a lower interest rate with lower monthly payments. And that's not to say that I will only pay the minimum, it's just a relief from having to pay quadruple that amount on my car.

Am I getting too personal into my finances? We all have our troubles, and I admit mine aren't all that bad. A few credit cards, and soon to be a student loan. Which I plan on paying off ASAP. Which may not be as ASAP as I hope. All speculative at this point, so I won't dwell.

On to more interesting things: my actual classes! I think I had my expectations reversed. I fully expected my syntax class to be the harder of the two. So far it seems pretty rudimentary, and there will be a LOT of discussion and reviewing of material so I'm not worried about maybe not understanding something. Slow and steady seems to be my professor's mantra on this one. Phonetics, on the other hand, while not as "slow and steady," still looks like it will be relatively easy, but not as easy as I had first thought. As long as I get to look at the charts, I'll be ok. I did look through the text book and saw a bunch of waves and confusing math-y looking equations and let's just say that it didn't make me smile.

I just have to keep in mind that THIS IS IT. No more school [for now]. I even went to the registrar to make sure I didn't have to do anything else to be able to graduate. Which I don't. Hooray! All I have to do now is pass these classes and I will be an official graduate with diploma in hand by mid-February!!

And now my daughter. She started Kindergarten last week! I can't believe she's going to real school now. And I already have the first fund raiser of the year, AND I'm volunteering to help out with the book fair next week. I guess I just think it's weird that it's the school that I attended, and her principal is my old middle school principal. It also seems that all the K-age kids' parents have been around the block before, have older kids so they already know each other, or have younger kids and already know each other.

I suppose it's mostly my fault for not being more active in my community. But really, I'm not the most sociable person. I'm actually not very sociable at all. Plus we're moving at the end of December, so right now I feel no need to create lasting bonds with anyone here. I guess as long as Caelyn behaves herself, I get her to do all her work, and get her to bed early enough to not be a cranky cry-baby in the mornings, we'll be OK.

Paper and Poetry

I'm going to keep this post short and to the point. I've had a lot on my mind the past week or so, between going upstate, getting me and Caelyn ready for school, and some propositions in regards to my writing (I will speak about that when things are more set in stone), I feel like I'm ready for a week of sleeping and not showing my face to the world at all.

The following is the response my Get Sparked partner created from the poem posted in my first previous blog post, Morning on Hoel Pond.

"Hoel Pond" Canvas made of handmade paper, made by the Artist, Gwynne Mason, kakishibu dye, silk paper, mixed media.

The following picture is the work of art that my partner sent to me, and then following the picture I'll post the poem that it inspired.

"He Said He Was No Longer Interested In Me" Handmade plant fiber papers, made and decorated by Gwynne Mason, mounted on a handmade silk tapestry, mixed media.

The following is the poem I wrote using this piece as inspiration.

Sea of Wanting

Shower of spring petals
dancing

Trees, flowers, adoration
growing

Silver sands of summer
enticing

Riding waves of desire
reeling

It was wonderful at first.
Everything was vibrant, colorful.
Life was full and then it wasn’t.
empty.
distant.
cold.
lost interest.

Shimmering autumn hopeful
shriveling

Threads that once bound us
unraveling

Snow-flecked winter winds
freezing

Break through fragile ice
sinking

Gone.

© Elizabeth Cordes, 2010

Late Night Poetry

So, even with all my talk about being excited for the Get Sparked round that just started, I remembered last night at around 9pm that I had to write a poem by this morning to send to my partner. By this time I was trying to get Caelyn to bed and asleep earlier (gradual change in bed time I think will work best for getting used to 'school time') and couldn't really ignore her so I could work on the poem. I didn't have the smallest idea what this poem was going to be. As I'm laying in bed, thoughts start to crop up. Good! I didn't feel like getting up so I started typing sentence fragments into the notes function on my phone. I put it away and figure I'll just get up earlier and brainstorm last minute like I usually do. Well, I tossed and turned and didn't actually sleep for any great length of time between then and about 2am. I had to use the bathroom, so I got up, did my business, and then grabbed my netbook and lay back in bed to try and work something out.

I started with the notes I had on my phone, but it always happens: I start trying to rhyme, and I start trying to invent a regular meter to stick to, and suddenly the essence of the poetry gets lost while I try too hard to make the words work. I scrap it and start again on something new. I like it much better (duh), but I still wish I had more time to polish it. Maybe I still will. Anyway, I finish around 3am, put the netbook away, and try to get back to sleep. More tossing and turning. I was cold, so I got up for another blanket, saw that it was 4am, and finally managed to nod off.

Without further adieu, here's my poem:

Morning on Hoel Pond

No sound but the gentle ripples
against my canoe.
The sky is gray
and mist hanging in the trees
seeps down to blanket the lake
in layers of mystery.

I lay my paddle at my feet
and pull my hood close around my face.
The predawn chill permeates all.
I shiver in the stillness.

Two loons call,
greeting each other,
or in warning of my presence.

A stranger in this untouched land,
I close my eyes and breathe deeply.
Nothing but cold, crisp, clean air,
a hint of pine.
Quiet. Calm. Peaceful.

I glide back to the shore,
my paddle slicing the surface,
stirring the mist into spiraling ghosts.
The day breaks softly,
illuminating the sky
from behind the clouds,
a single layer of muted silver.

The forest awakening now,
I feel it reaching out to embrace me.
The loons call again.
I am home.

© Elizabeth Cordes, 2010

Get Sparked, Paper and Flash Fiction

It would be an understatement to say that I am stoked about this upcoming Get Sparked! round. The last round I was in (and my first), I'm going to take as a learning experience, getting a feel for how the whole process works. I didn't really get to know, or feel a real connection to my partner. This time around is different. I've been paired up with a paper maker! She makes paper from domestically grown plant fibers, waste paper, and fabric in her own micro-mill out of her house. How awesome is that?

This is a fact that I don't get to put out very often, but I absolutely love the look and feel of homemade paper. I have a leather-bound book that my BFF Tim got me when he was in Iraq, and the paper inside is so soft and luscious, I haven't written a word in it because I feel like anything I put in it would mar its beauty. I do have to admit that I feel that way about any bound book of blank paper. It all seems so permanent. I've always preferred to write in spiral-bound notebooks (wide-rule, not college-rule) because if I didn't like something, I wouldn't feel bad about ripping it out or scribbling all over the page. But a bound book with a real spine, brimming with deliciously blank pages... Ahh, that is a delicacy I haven't yet had the nerve to taste, though I've grown quite the collection.

At any rate, I have until Wednesday to put my poetry hat on and blast out something stupendous for my paper-maker partner to make something equally stupendous from. I can't lie; I am really excited about this!

I also have to add that I am extremely happy with the responses I've gotten from my first flash fiction submission! Admittedly it's not my greatest piece of writing, but for the amount of time I actually spent working on it, and knowing beforehand most of the points that would most likely get 'nitpicked,' I have to be careful not to feel overly confident in it. There were only 3 or 4 other stories in my group posted, and they were all pretty fantastic. Which means there are potentially 15 other stories that are even better than what I've seen.

I am a little bit nervous about the scoring system. The top 15 ranked stories in each group will be scored between 1-25 points (1st gets 25, 2nd gets 22, etc.). So the bottom 5 stories get zilch. If I don't get points, it means I really sucked. I don't want to suck! At least for the Short Story contest if you didn't make the top 3, you didn't know if you were the next best or the worst. This one you know exactly where you rank. Despite that, though, I can't shake the confidence I feel right now. It's more than what I felt during the Short Story contest, so I'm just taking that as a good sign, and I will hopefully do even better with the next assignment. More than 3 more weeks to deliberate on that one, though, and school will distract me a bit.

Not Fitting In

And I'm not even talking about socially, which has always been an issue with  me. I get along with most everyone, but never quite feel like I'm a part of that "inner circle." I kind of straddle the line of that circle more often than not. But that's not what I want to talk about. What I'm talking about is support groups.

The point of finding a support group is to be able to talk about similar issues you all share. It's really sucky when you feel like you don't even fit in with people that have the same disease as you. And by disease, I mean PCOS. I know I've mentioned it a few times here already so I won't go into what that entails. I've joined a few online support forums for women with PCOS and still find that I don't fit in with them. We all have the same underlying  medical issues, and most are going through similar life-setbacks. But not me! Oh no, of course not me.

It seems that the vast majority of women who have PCOS are either dealing with obesity linked to insulin resistance, or are dealing with infertility, also rooted with the insulin resistance. I am, at this moment, unsure whether I am seriously IR or not. I am definitely not obese, and I do not have to deal with infertility as I am not TTC (as this demographic refers to "trying to conceive").

I also do not feel depressed or emotionally lost because of my diagnosis. I realize that, yes, I may have trouble in the future if I ever face the chance to have another child, but even then, I can't imagine ever being completely overwhelmed by the trials that are potentially awaiting me. Maybe it's because I already have a kid? Maybe because getting married and wanting another kid isn't something I actually see in my near future? This situation is unreal to me, so I cannot reasonably relate to all these other women's feelings about it.

Most newbie posts have been pretty negative, like it's suddenly the end of the world. I can't feel that way. To me, it's just a health issue that can be effectively managed and controlled. There's no sense in worrying about possible fertility issues when I'm not dealing with them today. Today is what counts. If I spent all my time worrying about the future, I wouldn't even notice my todays.