Being "Alone"

I put "alone" in quotes because it refers to a certain type of being alone, namely, single. I am slowly coming to grips with this lifestyle choice, and yes, I think it's mostly choice. Some of it is circumstance, some of it is luck, but right now I like to think of it more as a choice.

Sure, being a single mom is tough, and some women are more cut out for it than others. You know, like those women who consciously choose to have a child without a man. And some women are better equipped financially and/or emotionally to deal with parenting by herself. In my case, though, it was just the hand I got dealt. When I had my daughter, I didn't think I'd end up single, but shit happens and here I am and in a much better place than I would have been had I married the guy.

But it's not about him. This single business is about me, and I don't want to dwell on the past. It takes a lot of time and energy to try and not be single, and then to remain not-single. I don't have that time and energy. Getting my own shit together is more important than looking for someone to share my shit with. I already have a nearly-5-yr old to share my shit with! I spent too much energy in the past few years worrying about wanting to be with someone that I almost lost focus on what is really important. Namely, graduating college, working enough to make money to pay all the bills, and being a mother. All these things MUST come first before anything else, and if they are the ONLY things going on, then that's good enough for me.

I know what "they" say. "Stop trying and it'll just happen." Ya know, "they" say that for a lot of things. So, I'm going to stop trying. Not because I want it to happen, but because trying hasn't made it happen (and not that I've tried very hard, mind you, but enough to say "gosh this is more work than it's worth right now). My focus is on other things, and I'm happier because of it, more content. If someone happens along and we hit it off, then great! But I'm not counting on it and I don't waste too much thought on the potential of it actually happening. I honestly don't think it will.

And I'm OK with that! Let me get to my bottom line here. I am, right now, OK with the thought of being single for the rest of my life. I'm OK growing old and being an old lady who gets her jollies playing Bingo every Thursday night. And sure, I'd love to have more kids, but I don't want to have more while single; I would like to preempt having more kids with having a man in my life. Since I don't see that happening, I am happy with just my little girl. She is quite the handful and I don't see THAT slowing down any time soon!

Whoo... that was quite a ramble. I'll try to save any future stream-of-consciousness for my personal diary ;)